Amor proprio
healthy egoism as means to altruistic behavior
"If you do not love yourself, how can you love others? An empty well cannot water the thirsty."
"Treat yourself as someone you're responsible for. These words, if I recall , are from Jordan Peterson. I read his book, '12 Rules for Life,' a while ago. Since then, this principle is ingrained in my life.
I am responsible for helping myself.
I have the responsibility to respect my being, both internally and externally. It's my duty to show respect to myself through the actions I take in my daily life.
But what does it mean to respect? Respect involves showing admiration, consideration, and recognition for someone. It means treating ourselves with respect and with courtesy.
Why is it easier to respect a stranger than ourselves? A simple answer might be that a stranger would tell you fuc* off if you treated them the way you treat yourself.
Why most of the time don't we treat ourselves with respect?
There could be many reasons, but let's examine a few.
You might think you don't deserve respect, believing you're inherently bad. Perhaps you've committed misdeeds and allowed them to define you.
Second, you never keep your word to yourself so you lose self-respect.
Another possibility is that you've internalized negative voices from your environment. For sure someone in your past criticized you, and you started believing them. It doesn't matter who – teachers, relatives, parents, or any authority figure. For instance, a professor told me that I needed medication because, in his view, I lacked basic logic. His statement was blunt, and not appropriate to his role as a teacher. Did he consider my psychological state or current circumstances? No, he made a superficial judgment. From this standpoint, I'm able to take his words not, indicating a fault in my being, but more as a reflection of him.
Recently, I've delved into trauma literature. To understand what drives people to behave against themselves. I see peers around me struggling with addictions and toxic habits. This led me to wonder “why are they acting as their own worst enemies?”
One of the answers I gave to myself is that the reason for their behavior is the unhealthy habitat of their inner world. Until you make peace with yourself, you're going to be involved in a civil war.
I've experienced both sides. I was once careless about my health, nutrition, and relationships. Then, by some Divine grace, I shifted my habits. I began to move more, eat better, care for my sleep, and drink less alcohol. I learned what feels good and doesn't. I learned that caring for myself is crucial. If I don't care for my well-being, I can't expect others to.
Expecting others to take care of us is the pinnacle of selfishness. It’s not only selfish but extremely infantile.
Observing others, I've noticed some seem to take pride in their misery, a bitter and resentful way of living.
I used to spread my pain around. I used to treat people poorly, to be the one who didn't have the courage to face his pain. As a result, I was spreading my suffering like jam on bread.
This leads to why confronting your pain is the best gift you can give yourself and the world. By facing your pain, you can transform it into something greater, into fuel.
Running from it is futile; you're stuck with yourself for life.
People who do not face their pain are recognizable. Those people tend to withdraw at the slightest discomfort, much like hedgehogs.
Years ago, I was a hedgehog. Being overly sensitive and irritable is often a result of unresolved internal conflicts. Being in a hypervigilant state makes us more sensitive to external factors. In my case by avoiding these conflicts, I was signaling to myself weakness. I was sending myself the message that I'm not strong enough to face and handle them. As a consequence, I felt even weaker inside.
Here's a concept I value: 'Healthy Egoism.' Despite the negative connotations of egoism, there's nothing wrong with having an ego. Your ego is your sense of self, the “I” that you define yourself with. Healthy egoism means taking care of oneself to offer the best version of oneself to others. It's like the airplane safety instruction to "put on your mask first."
If you always focus on others' needs, you'll end up feeling resentful and bitter. But here's the twist: you might think you're being selfless. But often, this savior behavior stems from selfish intentions. You might want to feel needed or win love. Even the most magnanimous behavior can originate from a selfish intention.
To love others, we must first love ourselves. Otherwise, our love for others becomes a cover for our lack of self-love.
Self-love is fundamental. Taking care of our bodies and feeling good by our standards are essential for a fulfilling life.
We must love ourselves, even if it is the hardest thing to do. We must remove the obstacles that stand in the way of it.
Today, more than ever, it is tricky to take care of our bodies. The crucial point is to avoid falling into the trap of society's standards. Everywhere on social media, we are bombarded with these "impossible standards" to follow. Here, we need a dose of introspection to delve deep into what we want - how we want to feel and look.
I have fallen for the ABS trap a few times, where if my abs were not 100% visible, I would consider myself fat. I would have the feeling of being fat, even if my body fat were less than 20%. The process of uncovering society's standards starts from the inside, with self-awareness.
So here again the importance of self-awareness.
Healthy selfishness stems from understanding and caring for your needs. Understanding yourself is key to evolving as a person. It means saying no when you don't want to drink, even if it feels uncomfortable. Healthy selfishness is all about self-awareness. By understanding what's good for you, from the food you eat to the habits you maintain to the people you hang out with.
Our bodies constantly communicate with us, reacting to people, food, and situations. If we're attentive, they tell us everything we need to know. But often, we're blind to those messages.
In conclusion, the journey towards self-respect and healthy egoism isn’t immediate. It requires us to confront our past, acknowledge our pain, and choose to care for ourselves. This journey isn't about becoming a monk. It's about nurturing our well-being, honoring our needs, and knowing ourselves.
By practicing healthy egoism, we learn to listen to our bodies and respect our limits. This self-awareness and self-care aren't acts of selfishness. Instead, they're essential steps toward becoming more effective individuals. When we are at our best, we can offer more to those around us, creating a positive ripple effect in our communities.
We are each responsible for our own lives. Our choices, our health, our happiness - these are in our hands. In embracing healthy egoism, we don't improve our lives; we set a powerful example for others to follow.
So, as you continue on your path, ask yourself: How can I practice healthy selfishness today? How can I make self-respect and self-care a priority? The answers to these questions might be the key to a more fulfilling and authentic life."
Much love <3
Amar Numanovic
What I’m reading this week:
Bioenergetics: The Revolutionary Therapy That Uses the Language of the Body to Heal the Problems of the Mind - Alexander Lowen
Journal prompts:
How can I practice healthy selfishness today?
How can I make self-respect and self-care a priority?
How do I feel when I say NO to others, and YES to myself?
Quote I’m pondering:
“...most Substance-addicted people are also addicted to thinking, meaning they have a compulsive and unhealthy relationship with their own thinking.”
― David Foster Wallace, Infinite Jest
A song that I listened to in a loop this week: